Thursday, September 18, 2008

Thar she blows!

So I've decided (again) that I'm just too fat and I'm trying to take measures to shed a few tons. This time, I've enlisted the help of Alli -- a fairly new miracle pill that promises to help you lose weight faster.

If you follow the directions -- eat way less fat and calories and exercise -- you should lose weight without the little blue pills. I know this. But the incentive for me here is two fold: 1. It says it'll shoot excess consumed fat (to a point) out of your body which is how it speeds the weight loss and 2. If you eat too much fat, it will totally embarrass you in public. I won't go into the details because I'm fairly certain you've figured it out by now.

This I know: I will eat myself to death if allowed. This I also know: I hate to be embarrassed publicly or just by myself. So I'm fairly certain I'll lose at least a little bit.

But tonight, I feared I might have a setback. You only take the pills when you're going to consume some fat calories. I had a banana for breakfast, so no pill. I plain forgot at lunch when I had a Weight Watchers calzone but it was followed up by fat-free pudding and a garden full of carrots. So I was OK without the helper.

For tonight, though I made nachos for dinner. It was healthier than it sounds, but it probably had too much sodium. I know this because I literally could feel my stomach start to swell up. Then I could see it. I was like some Macy's parade balloon. It was frightening.

So I thought, hey, a little exercise will help. Otherwise I'd put the family at risk when I, uh, blow. I'm telling you, I could feel the elastic on my panties start to call for help. So we got the bikes out.

While I pretend to be an environmentalist, I was prepared to pollute the atmosphere a bit. Better out on the bike than inside the house, I reason. Of course, I forgot that Alison was riding on the tandem right behind me.

We take a short ride over to the Ogdens to drop off an overnight bag for Ali. I confess my plight to Karin. She hustles us right out of the house -- no offense taken. I'd have done the same thing.

So I'm thinking along the route home that this has been a good plan. I hit a particularly rough part of the pavement and I twist around to ask Ali if she's still attached to the bike.

She says, and I swear I'm not making this up, "Well if I could just get rid of this excess flatulence."

"Excuse me?" I gasp. "Did you just say 'if I could just get rid of this excess flatulence?'"

"Yeah," she said. "I heard it on Chowder. It means farting. But I got rid of my flatulence. I'm OK now."

I thought I would fall right off the bike. Probably would have had I not still been a little inflated.

For the record, click on the hotlink to Chowder. It could be me in elementary school

See why I need Alli?


Anonymous said...

Best. Photoshoot. Ever.

You are beautiful and sassy and will never be tubby in my eyes, baby. But I'm proud of you (in a non-patronizing way) for taking this step if it makes you feel good. Go Cheryl!

Much love,

Cheryl said...

Take it from experience – don’t eat bacon away from a toilet. Alli is not just good for losing weight, it’s great if you like to eat like a pig and maintain.


Anonymous said...

oh my god - what a riot! I just got home from a business extravaganza in the Old Port and this is just what I needed to get my mind off of all the stupid political posturing. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I hope you're saving all of this shxx. Sometimes it's laugh-out-loud funny.

Anonymous said...

That was worth the extra wait/weight...I laughed out loud at the Macy's parade balloon line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!