Chatter from the Back Seat

The following is a condensed version of two days of chatter from the back seat. It begins with one inspired by the imminent trip to the vet for a puppy named Tucker who lives next door to Team Ogden. The kids do a lot with the puppy, and Hannah is often anxious to get home so she doesn't miss going along to obedience school (for Tucker, not the kids.)

The cast: Alex Ogden, Alison Reed, Jenna Tokash and Hannah Ogden.

"Hey Hannah, are you going to Bark Tudor with Tucker tonight?" I ask as we get started.

"No. Tucker went to the vet today to get neutered."

"Oh." I immediately turned on the radio.

"Mrs. Reed," pipes the voice from the back, drowning out the voices from NPR. I ignore it for a while but it doesn't quit. "Mrs. Reed. Mrs. REED!!! MRS.REED!!!!"

"Yes, Alex."

"What's 'neutered' mean?"

Heavy sigh. I mentally calculate time vs. distance, which is hard for me because I'm a wordsmith, not a numbers junkie. But even I can do this math: I have too much time. I speed up and reply,

"It's something people have done to their pets to help with their behavior."

"Oh," says Alex. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's one thing to be frank with Alison; another to expose Karin's kids to the unvarnished truth.

"I thought it had something to do with having babies," piped up Hannah.

"Yeah!" said Alex.

I increase the acceleration. "Well, yes, that's part of it, too," I say.

We get home with no more talk of Tucker. Day 2, Jenna joins the crew.

"Mrs. Reed, did you know that Tucker is still sick?"

"No, I didn't."

"Yeah. He might not get neutered because he's throwing up."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It's been really bad," says Hannah with Alex piping in telling us of Tucker's travails.

Jenna: "Alex, I hope you feel better soon."

"Huh?"

"I hope you feel better from your sickness."

"What?"

"You know, from getting neutered."

"Jenna!," exclaims Alex with exaggerated hand gestures and vocals. I didn't get neutered. Tucker is getting neutered."

"Oh. What's neutered?"

"It keeps you from having babies."

"Oh."

"Mrs. Reed? Mrs. REED! MRS.REED!!!!!"

"Yes, Alex?"

"I know being neutered has to do with not having babies. But Tucker is a boy dog."

Heavy, heavy sigh from the front seat.

"Hey, did you know we're having ice cream at the ball park tonight? And, hey, I think your mom just called and said you guys were doing something fun, too. I wonder what it is," I babble.

The next day, Jenna and Ali are alone in the back seat, chatting as young girls do.

"Ali, do you know what the happiest day of your entire life is?"

"No."

"It's the day you have a baby."

"What? I don't think so. I think the happiest day of your life is when YOU'RE born."

"No. It's when you have a baby of your own. Do you want to have a baby, Alison?"

"No."

"What?"

"No. I don't want to have a baby. They cut you open and there's blood and stuff. It has to get out, you know."

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Hey, Ali."

"Yeah?"

"The happiest day of my life was when you were born. You are my best friend, you know."

"Yeah. Hey Jenna! Do you know what molecules are?"

"No. What are molecules?"

A miles-long dissertation of what molecules are ensues. It ends in the driveway with, "And when you die, your molecules get transformed and you're either a slave to the devil or you're an angel."

"Why do you think I could be a slave to the devil? I'm not going to be a slave to the devil. I'm going to be an angel!" retorts a highly and righteously indignant Jenna.

"I didn't say you were going to be a slave to the devil, Jenna. I don't think you'd be a slave to the devil. It's just you're going to be one or the other when your molecules transform."

"Oh. OK. But I'm not going to be a slave to the devil, Alison. I'm going to be an angel."
"OK. Jenna. OK."