For the love of God, please

Please don't ever look too closely at the tops of your kitchen cabinet doors. Or the little bit of cabinetry that surrounds your stove. Don't wonder if your hand can fit under that bottom drawer under your oven. And don't consider checking out the back of your free-standing microwave.

These are places you should should never, ever think about.

Heed my warning or you'll end up spending most of your Sunday morning on your hands and knees scrubbing at grime and grease that's been living in those spaces rent-free and happy as a grimy lark for years.

Unless you're better than me and deep clean more often. I made the mistake of looking at the spaces I tend to ignore after telling the Captain I was almost out of Costco's Kirkland disinfectant cleaning wipes. It was an innocent mistake. I'd nearly emptied the packet of them I had upstairs in a bid to eliminate some of the grossness of sharing a bathroom with a man.

To be fair, I shed hair like a Shetland sheepdog undergoing chemotherapy. It's gross, too. But my white tiled bathroom floor is clean now, and there's not a speck of dribble on the porcelain throne.

And it turned out that when the Chief Dribbler and Shopper of the family came home with a new case of cleaning cloths, I was actually almost out of the first pack of the 3-pack they come in. When I realized I was now over-stocked with the handy cloths, I decided to wipe down the kitchen counters.

I was done with that and ready to read the paper when I made the mistake of opening one of the cabinet doors, cleaning cloth in hand.

Ever looked at the inside of your kitchen cabinet doors? DON'T DO IT. Otherwise, if you're a real human being with a real human family, you'll see a CSI unit's DNA wet dream.

Neither Jeff nor Alison is particularly tidy in the kitchen. And they're in the kitchen a lot. I don't usually complain because I tend to get some tasty treats out of the deal. I also get dishpan hands cleaning up after them.

One memorable cookie extravaganza of Ali's left a film of powdered sugar over the entire room. This was AFTER she'd cleaned up. The cookies were beautiful and delicious, I grant you. Jeff can't heat up soup without leaving spots of it from heating source to bowl. (There's a pattern here...)

Anyway, most my kitchen is sparkling right now. I finished the open pack and got about half-way through the second in my original Costco case.

I had to play chauffeur before I got to the inside of the refrigerator, and I ended that task with a trip to the gym. In a surprising turn of events, I managed to keep from driving through the drive-thrus of the multiple Dairy Queens I passed. I was hoping to keep from eating until after the gym, and I did! Personal record, Tracy Wiseman: I didn't eat until 4 p.m. when I got home.

And no, I didn't cook any of it. Thank God for leftovers. I'm too exhausted to tackle the inside of the fridge. If I get my way, it'll be take-out menus for the rest of the month.