Wednesday, May 17, 2017

So, Ali asked me to buy condoms for her

Yeah. It happened. And of course I complied.

But it's not what you think.

She's working on a school project. A 3D report on Peter Picot's "No Time to Lose: A Life in Pursuit of Deadly Viruses," which is mostly about Ebola and AIDS.

We know her project will include vials of blood (not really blood: my shopping list included stuff to manufacture a realistic likeness) and pill bottles (we were going to use actual pills but even Herron High School frowns on glue-gunning actual meds). We discussed whether she'd need a banana too. That decision has yet to be made.

She texted me her shopping list while I was at the gym. I asked her if she wanted to go with -- especially as she'd get to buy her very own condoms and I had no doubt she'd want to parade them around the store.

"Kinda," she said. "But I really have to get working on some other homework and it makes more sense for me to do that."

So off I went. Riddle me this, though: Why is the least expensive package of condoms the one that promises to be so advanced that the wearer won't even realize it's on there? Shouldn't that kind of promise come at a heftier price?

It's been a while since I bought condoms. If you find yourself suddenly in the market, they're housed in the "Family Planning" section of Meijer. I do hope that section won't cause the Republican Party to want to close Meijer. I kind of like the one that recently opened near us.

It had every item on Alison's list -- food coloring, buttermilk, vanilla extract, baking powder, condoms, hot glue refills, small Styrofoam poster board -- except the buttermilk. Every other variety and flavor of milk was there, as well as kefir, which I had to Google to know what it was. Pass.

She's already made her "blood" and is plotting out exactly how to get the necessary information on her Styrofoam base. She was a little concerned about the fate of the prophylactics once her classroom work is done.

"If I come home one day and find they've been used, I'm not going to like it," she warned.

I laughed.

"Yes. I know I got here but I prefer to think..." she started.

"That it was a one-time deal?" I asked.


I laughed again. I decided not to remind her that I got the ones that you CAN'T EVEN FEEL!!!!!

'Cause I'm a good mom.

As evidence, I posit the following photographic proof of an awesome Mother's Day that will include a massage very soon from my favorite tiny boutique massage place, Leaf & Limb.

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