Few women past the age of 40 look forward to swim suit shopping. I'm sure of it. I'm not even sure 40 is the magic age, but for most of us, there comes a time when you'd rather have your toenails pulled out by gypsies than face the dressing room and a pile of rayon strings.
For me, there was no way out. Spring Break was days away and I was down to one worn-out swim suit. I made the mistake of going with Ali on my first venture out.
She's two months away from 14. I, well, I am not. She's a small on a bad day. I, well, I am not.
Yet we found ourselves there together in the same swim suit collection talking about colors and styles, two-piece or one and what the hell is a tankini anyway.
She quickly found some really cute suits. I was struggling to figure out how the back fat I was sure I'd sent packing had found its way back. It was only as I contemplated making a noose out of one of the strings that realized I'd been trying on the wrong size.
I brought home a couple one-pieces, which did not win rave reviews from the Captain. He didn't say he hated them, but the reception wasn't fabulous. So, while Ali went to her YAT session and I'd worked out Saturday, I walked over to the mall and ended up trying on -- in my size -- a few more. I sent pictures to Jeff and called him to alert him to give me advice.
"Cool," he said. "Porn on my phone."
It wasn't porn. Let's just be clear about that. The reception to them, however, was much better. The one-pieces went back.
Today after taking Ali to a movie with a friend, I ventured back out there. At Macy's, I stumbled onto the $150 "Miracle" suits. They're guaranteed to shave 10 pounds off you then and there. Somewhat of a doubter to begin with, I have to say I started to think about trying one on. And then I thought about my niece Kaitlin who's starting down an amazing recovery process after being in a terrible car crash.
And then I got offended. 1. because you shouldn't through around words like "miracle" as if they're penny candy. 2. because I'm sure lots of women actually shell out $150 for a piece of fabric that temporarily squishes their flab with Spanx-like compression. But it's not a miracle and it doesn't fool anyone into thinking they're suddenly ready for Sports Illustrated.
So I didn't buy it. I did, however, find some bargains over at TJ Maxx for $20 each that the Captain declared successful. More important, I think they're OK and I'll be able to hit the beach as confidently as any woman my age can.
It appears I have survived shopping for swim suits and come out the other side. It's the first top-down day of the year and Kait is home from hospital.
Now those, are miracles.
Oh, also Jeff and I got all dressed up and went to a party last night hosted by Pattern magazine. It's a fashion magazine and how I'm involved with it is a very long story. What's important is that we seemed to fit in just fine and came away from the event -- it was held at IMS -- with a gift for Amy Tokash. Or maybe Tom. All I know is Tony Kanaan probably doesn't cringe when swimsuit weather approaches.